Sunday, August 7, 2011

One Decision Made

Well the dithering and muttering will cease for a bit. As a follow up to my last post, I've decided to let my gut and the little voice inside my head decide.

My little voice whispers ceaselessly to me these days. This little voice whispers to me in the middle of the night. It whispered to me during a 3 a.m. run this past week and later during a 4 a.m. run. It whispered to me while I ran through the heat, humidity, grime and traffic of New Jersey. It whispered to me when I sat gazing out at the runway in Chicago with clouded, sleep deprived eyes while waiting to board my fourth flight of the week. It whispered to me as I looked at my mother, thin and frail from too much poison being pumped into her body. Enough. I am human after all, and this is all just too much right now. I give. I will stay sane. I will stay sane.

So my gut and the little voice say: "Don't run a marathon this fall, at least don't run the Denver Rock n Roll Marathon - run the half instead". But this is not just an irrational decision based on feeling and a completely spent emotional state. There's always reason beneath emotion, the challenge is to unearth the rational in what seems irrational. This race is not a race I'm jazzed about - and it never was. My idea of a good marathon is not one that weaves it's way through an urban environment - unless it's NY or Boston, or Chicago or London. When the RnR folks released the details on the new course this week it looked like a hodgepodge of twists and turns, and heres and theres, and round and rounds, and I could only think to myself - "Eeewwww". Not very inspiring I'm afraid.

So, I have reason and emotion on my side. And though this is not an easy decision to make, make it I have. I do not back out of things easily. I usually take it as a sign of weakness and lack of commitment - a character flaw (of which I have many). But in this case, I know it's the right thing for me - and it's taken more strength to make that decision then the strength required to push on in spite of it all.

I tell my daughter over and over again that her stubbornness is a strength, but it can also work against her if it's not used properly - if she remains steadfast when doing so only hurts her or gets in the way of what she really wants, then her strength becomes a weakness. Well, it's now time for me to take my own advice.

7 comments:

  1. Congratulations on being bold enough to make a decision rather than letting it get made for you.

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  2. Thanks Chris - either way I think I'd be making the decision, but there a good decisions and bad decisions, and good reasons and bad reasons. All we can do is do our best to figure out what is best for us!

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  3. I admire your strength- sometimes going against our own stubbornness is harder than anything else! I hope you find peace in your decision!!! Way to go you!

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  4. I enjoyed last year's course as it optimized parks and shady streets. Haven't looked closely yet at the new course. Opting for the half might help you to enjoy the after race festivities more than if you ran the full.

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  5. @ Lacey Sue - Well I certainly hope so;)
    And @ Ed - You know based on my feelings about Bolder Boulder that twisty, crowded courses just aren't my thing. Don't mean to rain on anyone's Denver RnR parade, but this one just doesn't appeal. But, perhaps I'll change my mind ;) One never knows!

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  6. Sometimes, whether the injury is physical, mental, emotional or all three, you just have to know your limits and give yourself space to heal. Sounds like you've made a decision to only modify the goal--not abandon it. I applaud your bravery to reflect and act! That's often the hardest part!

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  7. Faith - Oh, I have no intention of abandoning anything - Just giving my mind and body a little respite and focusing on improving my speed for now. I will probably be running more races over the coming months - but I won't have to worry about how all these distractions and interruptions are screwing up my marathon training schedule. I need shorter-term goals right now. Thanks for your encouragement..

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